Beef. It’s what’s for dinner

WARNING. There are no laws in El Salvador regulating the backyard slaughter of a cow. For reasons which will become immediately obvious to those who choose to continue reading, anyone even somewhat weak of stomach or animal rightsy should avoid the following post...

I live in the campo. That means the woods, the boonies, the sticks. And in the campo, it goes without saying we kill animals and eat them. Every day. We do this because children who eat meat, beans and tortillas once a week grow up bigger than the ones who just eat beans and tortillas. And sometimes, the meat that kids eat comes from that cute cow you passed on your way to the school. You know, that black one with the cool white splotch extending across his side, like someone hopped out from behind a tree and mischievously splashed it with a bucket of paint.

At this point, I believe I should mention for the record that I firmly believe cows are:

1. oddly cute
2. have pretty eyelashes
3. are an icon of pastoral life.

But deep down, we all know the facts. We’re carnivores and one of them feeds hundreds of us.

So here ya go. A quick primer on killing a cow.

Am I safe to say that most of you haven’t done this? And if you have, you cow-killers you, will you be insulted if I explain things that may seem obvious to you and other cow-killers? I hope that you won’t.

For starters, killing a cow is a big deal. They cost hundreds of dollars and take years to raise to maturity. The one we killed and ate was three years old. My buddy Carlos (Cowboy Carlos to those who've had the pleasure of visiting and meeting him in person) had raised it for a special occasion. I wasn't kidding, by the way, about what I said above. They really do feed hundreds of people. The catch is, they’re a bitch to kill and make into bite-sized pieces.

So what do you do? You call up your buddies, invite them over, and go to town on the big guy.

Ok, now the back story...

About two weeks ago, Cowboy Carlos's eldest son got married. And to celebrate the occasion, Carlos, a few friends and I slaughtered one of his cows. A big one. A bull, in fact, that apparently tipped the scales at around 700 lb.

The process of killing and butchering him took way longer than I expected, having only seen a butchering a few years back in training and having not stuck around for the full process. It's quite a bit to take in. Here's a glimpse of what's to come just in case you're not ready.



Man, those blue eyes were mesmerizing. Where was I? Ah yes, cow death. Apparently, by the way, not as bad as pig death. But that's not saying much. At this point, I'm glad I have to take their word for it.

After we tied him up, our fearless leader Carlos started it off with a quick stab, just behind the head. I was surprised, but as if on cue, the big guy quickly lost his balance and fell down. Okay, so apparently that's where cows keep their gyroscopes. After that, Carlos made two large holes in the jugular and you can imagine what happened next. A lot of blood. Torrents of it.



After about 20 minutes, the sides of our beautiful beast stopped moving. Somebody deemed him ready to go and, using a series of ropes passed through branches from the mango tree overhead, we turned him on his side. Carlos grabbed his knife and quickly went to work stripping the hide.







After the hide's off, you really start going at it. I kept joking that we could all save a lot of time if I went and got my neighbor's chainsaw. And that's when they brought out the axes.

"Jesus, what the hell are you gonna do with those?" I asked.

Then this old guy grabbed one, ran his finger along the edge to make sure it had something to it and started going to town on the ribs.







Hey, I’m feeling kind of nauseous and have dry-heaved multiple times in the past 10 minutes. But you know what I need? Snacks. Lots of 'em. And coffee. Fuck it, how ‘bout a coffee break?



This is about the time one of my female neighbors shows up and just quietly sits on a rock under a tree, waiting patiently. It wasn't until we separated the stomach, intestines and unidentifiables that she perked up and I started to discovered why.

Here the men are haul the good stuff far enough away for her to work "comfortably" they said. Translation: even they were kind of grossed out she was going to make soup from that.



Later on, the expert butcher we brought in, turns the giant slabs of meat into their more familiar looking form - steaks for the wedding banquet.



And there you have it. Elapsed time: 7 hours.

For the most part, the big guy just laid there and accepted his fate. I think maybe that's the part that was toughest to watch. Seeing this enormous creature pass from one astral plane to the other. Or if you're feeling more philosophical, passing from here and there to everywhere.